I'm in a pool of shit.

I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't understand if I feel down because of my behavior or because of the way I feel about this.
I've been too husty... and still it seemed like I had been waiting for too long.

He's not the right person for me. He only gets me nervous and lately I hate when he touches me.
Not to mention when he talks.
I was attracted by the way he talked, his way of thinking, I thought he was very mature for his age and that he could understand me.
Okay, we do share same tastes, more or less, but he doesn't understand me.
Literaly.

I think I got the wrong idea of him in my mind, because when we started being more intimate about our personal issues I realized how childish he is and how much he doesn't takes nothing for serious.
He told me, I should have known. I just thought it was a little lack of self-esteem, but this is too much.

He thinks he is an idiot e doesn't do a thing to demonstrate the contrary or just improve himself. It's like he built a personality back in the days we were just dating and now he's incapable of keeping it. He's giving the worse of himself.
He's invadent, 'sticky', I am not like that and I don't need that.
I need a man, a person who knows how to live. I'm almost an adult, I need an adult by my side.
He can't manage to get out of highschool.

Three years in between are too much. Next time someone says otherwise I'll kill them. I swear.

The fact that HE is still somewere in my mind, really doesn't help.

I will go down with this ship

I'm not so sure I understand what the fuck is happening in this period.

Just in a few days my brain had to deal with a lot of new informations and I failed on process them all.
These days I found out that the only person really close to me it's not who I though she was and the most horrifying thing is that I'm not surprised at all. People do that every time, people around me change every time.
It's like I'm frozen or fossilized in a dimension, they already moved on while I'm stuck in here. It's not the first time, but this time it was really drastic.

People I love the most are changing and I've been left behind.

Meanwhile, just because I'm lucky, old disappointments come back and... keep on let me down.

All I want to do right now is just to sink the ship and go down with it, nothing more.

If I could come back in the day when F. asked me if all the men I met were that bad that I had a so bad credit about them, I would change my answer and say that all the men I met were not bad, they were deeply stupid. Stupid enough to hate them for thing they don't even recall having done... or they don't know they've done.

He's on my list too. I'm fucking tired of him. I'm starting to fucking hate him, sorry for being rude, and if I did not love him that much I would have said him to go the fuck out of my life already.

BUT women have their own part too in this freaking soap opera that has become my fucking life, at least they remember the shit they do.

Well, I've got some issues with my male best friend as well, he's all "YES SIR" whenever I'm around and then does whatever the fuck he wants when I turn my back... My balls are falling, seriously.

A tra poco.

Sono parecchio confusa. Riordino le idee e torno a scrivere.

Tiredness

Cleaned the whole house with my roommate, tired as hell.

What the hell?

Good morning. This is a strange period. It's about a week that I don't talk to my best friend and the worse is that we didn't have a fight, we're just not talking. The truth is that she's studying a lot this month and that I'm not in my city in this period, so maybe there's nothing to worry about. But... She's my best friend, and I'm not okay with this. Yesterday my ex-boyfriend's ex-girlfriend contacted me via chat after two years of silence. What a big deal...
You know, I just feel like I've been crushed away from my world, nobody calls me while I'm here except my sister, oh that girl, she's always there no matter what.
For the least but not last... He.
He is playing with my heart.
I promised to myself not to fall for Him, but i failed.
I failed because I just think about him everyday, I feel sick thinking about the time when he was with that idiot.
She had what I want and she didn't deserve it, why?
Oh... He knows, he knows how much I want him, and he should know that acting like he cares about me, kissing my cheeks, my hands, holding me tight and looking at me with those beautiful eyes will kill me in a long time.
Sometimes I wish he would not talk to me at all, not touch me at all... I wonder what's in his mind when he does so.

Fucking study.

My exam will be on Thursday and still I'm not done with the study. Worse of all things it's like I can't remember a single thing of all the things I studied. My life sucks. My first exam will be a complete failure and my English is terrible today.

Something I already know

My destiny is to die suffocate, it's something I already know.
My lungs perhaps won't stand what I'm doing to them anymore and will stop working. Apnea is terrible, I found it by myself. That need of inhale air that doesn't want to stay inside, my heart that beats harder and faster and it's about to explode inside my cage. The humiliation of knowing that people are staring at me with pity and I still can't breathe. The dependence on medicines and all that stuffs. And I'm still hurting myself.